Micro-Phallic Troglodytes and my Twitch Abandonment issues.

Hello Bearded Family,

I wanted to fully update you on the events of  Saturday’s Pappa Cooks! and to give you a heads up on my mindset, condition, and thoughts. Maybe you don’t care and I’m ok with that, this is more of a mental flush on the on the situation, anyways.

TL;DR I had a troll try and turn the cringe up to 11. He kinda failed, but I needed to respond anyways.

WHAT OCCURRED: Over the last few months, we’ve had a little worm-person come into the chat and just ride the line between rudeness and what I would call social ineptitude. They’d make comments that were just kind of off and I’d ignore them or try and gently guide them to a more acceptable path because, honestly, I thought maybe they were kinda on the spectrum or maybe actually medically retarded. This person may have been banned a few times and come back with different names, but because they were so borderline, I didn’t really pick up on the changes.
A few weeks ago, I’d had enough, and I banned them out right during a “Pappa Cooks!”. That evening I received a lengthy DM about how I was pathetic and all my friends we basically just humoring in my delusion that my streams matter to anyone other than myself. I had posted a screen shot of that somewhere in the Discord, but I don’t remember where. After that, this sexually repressed troglodyte retreated into his mom’s basement for a few weeks and plotted his revenge.

Which brings us to Saturday. He started off by creating a user name that was my actual name. I banned him. He then created a user name that was my address and told me that I would regret banning him (spoiler, I didn’t and I don’t). He then came back as a different version of my address and threatened to rape my daughters, kill my children, and make me watch. This was disturbing for a couple of reasons. #1) It bothered my eldest son and wife. #2) A mind that could conceptualize this should probably not be free to roam on public streets. #3) It’s a well-documented fact that eunuchs can’t have sex and are generally too passive to do anything as dramatic at that.  In a kind of unfortunate turn, Auto-Mod caught that threat and I didn’t release it, so it doesn’t show up in any of the logs. I know Twitch probably has it somewhere, but we’ll get to that.
The then came back as Mama’s real name and proceeded to say stupid shit like. “You ready for my friends and I to come to your house?” and “Hope you put up a fight” and the ever-terror-inducing line (second only to ‘the call was coming from inside the house’) “I’m omw.

Lemme tell you guys, I was shaking in fear all night. I have a bad phobia about pre-pubescent overseas virgins and their ability to type on a keyboard. It was really touch and go all night.

After the stream (with several bans along the way), I went out to the workshop to start pulling up info, reporting the fake accounts, and tweeting to @twitchsupport. Whilst in the garage, a car came down my driveway and I have to admit, I gave the driver (from a local pizza shop) a pretty hard time before he felt bad for me, gave me the pizza and bruschetta for free, and told me to have a nice night. I must admit, I’m not sure which culture holds the opinion that offering someone free food is somehow threatening, but I need to figure that out and piss more of them off. (licks fingers) I mean, what kind of idiot sends a fat American a medium pepperoni pizza and bruschetta and expects them to be scared? Sleepy maybe…but not scared.

After that I spent some time working with the GREAT members of the #BSo7 community to get a hold of the chat logs and to see about recovering the auto-modded threats. A HUGE shout out to @jaxmacky, @tarillthemad and @dragoness for their help and concern (more thoughts on this in a minute).  After that, I hung out with @justice by a bonfire, drinking wine and talking about his trip to japan, maybe doing some camping, and just generally whatever floated through our heads. It got late and I went inside (Justicar went home) and I played a couple of rounds of Dota2 with @vagrant. (Like I said, the mouth-breathing troll had me VERY upset.)

On Sunday, I called the local sheriff’s department and explained the situation and they sent two very nice and patient officers out. They didn’t understand all the terms I used, but they asked good questions and genuinely seemed to engage. We talked about swatting and I gave them full copies of the chat logs with the micro-phallic keyboard warrior’s contributions highlighted. They’ll be filing a report and I’ll be getting that later this week.

That’s pretty much the ins and outs of the affair. If you’re still reading this, the next part is what I think about the things that happened.


First off, I am NOT scared. I’ll admit that I was put off my game for second as it was occurring. The rational mind is often not prepared to deal with such abject fucking stupidity when confronted head on with it. It’s almost like a form of mental camouflage. Your mind sees something happening that is SO vapid and so profoundly devoid of any humanity or merit that it just kinda goes blank as it tries to comprehend the stupid.

In fact, after getting over the initial reaction of having to deal with someone so mind-numbingly dull as this cud chewing simpleton, I really haven’t thought much about him at all.

What HAS upset me though is that Twitch has been absolutely fucking useless in ALL of this. As I mentioned, I put a tweet out to twitchsupport. It’s been over 24 hours since I reached out to them and GUESS how many responses from twitch I’ve gotten. If you guessed ZERO, congratulations! you’re definitely smarter than my extra-chromosomed internet stalker.

But you know who was there for me? The BSo7 community.  I put that post up on twitter and literally within FIVE MINUTES I was in a Discord chat with the members of BSo7 trying to work things out. FIVE. FUCKING. MINUTES. With a group of people that are not getting paid and owe me NOTHING. Just being awesome people. If that’s not an ad for BSo7 (and if you’re a streamer and you’re NOT using the #BS07 hashtag, for shame.) I don’t know what is.

Think on this…

If someone uses the “N” word or calls some body painter or ASMR-girl a Twitch-thot, Twitch literally cannot bring the fucking ban-hammer down fast enough. ESPECIALLY if it involves a partnered streamer. But if some dude threatens to RAPE MY DAUGHTERS and KILL MY CHILDREN in front of me and DO ME BODILY HARM, I cannot even get a response from them. Not even a “sorry, we can’t do much for this kinda thing” response. Literally NOTHING. THEY HAVEN’T EVEN BANNED OUT ALL THE ALIASES HE WAS USING FFS!!!!

I’m not asking much. I’d simply like them to A) Send me a copy of that section with the threat to my children (that Auto-Mod deleted) so that I can add that to the police file. And B) I would like them to at LEAST ATTEMPT to IP ban this bi-pedal cheesy discharge . I mean, maybe he’s using a VPN or something and they can’t…ok…but at least TRY and at least TELL ME you’re trying. Someone like this doesn’t deserve to be using this platform.

I really do think that at some point streamers are going to have to stand up and band together and demand that this kind of shit is no longer acceptable. Twitch is a half-a-billion dollar a year company (with their sights set on a cool billion within a year) and guess where that billion is coming from? Us, the streamers. Is it really too much to ask Twitch to dedicate a small percentage of the hundreds of millions that we make for them to the prospect of tracking down and IP banning these types of trash-people? If Amazon can inundate my web browsing experience with ads when I need to buy toilet paper because they’ve been tracking my habits, I’m pretty sure with a little effort, that they could track these assholes down and at LEAST make sure they can’t use the Twitch platform to terrorize otherwise harmless streamers.  At some point, if Twitch is going to say they have rules against, racism, sexism or harassing other streamers they need to be held accountable for ENFORCING those rules for ALL streamers, not just the biggest or prettiest streamers.


This leads me to the final part of this missive. This episode has really caused me to consider my streaming “career”. Over the last two years I’ve pushed really hard and I’ve been really proud of the growth I’ve seen and the community that I’ve built (with all your help). Again, I want to reiterate that the simpleton and his trolling is NOT what bothers me. People are assholes, that’s always been a truism and something I knew going into streaming and while I don’t deserve what he did (and more importantly my wife and kids don’t deserve it) I realize that it is just kind of a hazard of the job.
That being said, I don’t really make enough from streaming to justify asking my family to put up with this kind of nonsense. Death threats, however unlikely to be realized, are something that require a little more compensation in my opinion. ESPECIALLY because it seems to me that Twitch has absolutely NO interest providing even a modicum of support. Because it seems that Twitch can’t be bothered, it calls into question my future interaction with them.

I wonder, what might happen if this tiny-mind actually WAS dangerous? What if he did a drive-by or something? Would Twitch just leave me hanging in the wind? Would I have to try and file a police report with NOTHING to offer them, even though there’s probably information on the servers of Twitch? At what point will they offer assistance to someone who uses their platform? Do I have to be shot? Do my daughters have to actually be raped? Just how far do lines have to be crossed to get some support?

This line of thought is what really troubles me about this whole scenario and it’s what I’m going to spend some time thinking about for a while. I’m going to think and pray and talk to Mama a bit on this one. I’ll be streaming in the meantime, but I’m reserving the right to step back (or off) in the future.

I also want to reiterate what a wonderful bunch of folks exist over at #BSo7. Seriously, you need to check em out.

Thank you for reading this and allowing me to purge. I’ll see you in the stream.

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